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Nepal is healing because…

Stepping off the airplane in Kathmandu, Nepal energies begin to awaken within your heart. The shift magnifies preconceived notions of love, alchemizing to that of the eternal spirit. The noisy streets intensify the Chitta in gathering momentum. Chitta is the conscious mind in motion, perceiving reality based on past experiences over lifetimes of ancestral lineage.  The mental chatter experienced in the moments to follow was as if a cloud of gnats was surrounding the minds of this foreigner, confused, and inhibited by form. The same questions cycle through me, over and over again. For the first time, I was the one in stillness. 

You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment. Stillness becomes present, not with conscious choice, but from physical weakness. The child within me rages in urgent explosions throughout the cab ride from Railay Beach, the bus trip to Krabi, and a trembling Thai train to Bangkok. Two air flights later, I was conserving my energy intentionally, with every ounce of nurture that was left. The body was growing weak, and heavy and the fear of death visited often. When you realize that you are dying, the Chitta transforms to focus on life.  Joy, love, and kindness require death. You have the power to decide what dies, and the choice to let go of Duhkha: pain, unhappiness, suffering, and the stress of living a mundane existence. Duhkha is the shit and it is time to let that shit go. The water becomes clear, and you can see clearly. 

The arrival was late in the night, and the cab that received me was a vibrant Honda Civic hatchback with a fine interior of reupholstered fabrics and tassels. The Gods were represented in handcrafted figurines, and warm illustrations, displaying love on the fabricated walls. The buildings were high in the sky, with roads from all directions. Clubs bumped with nightlife and laughter is present. The lodge, with my room,  was closed, gated, and chained - so the cab driver knocked on the door and pushed on a seemingly hidden doorbell. Raz answered the door and happily guided me to the room that would be transforming my perception over the next several days. 

Alone, at last, the gratitude of an introvert fills me with space, reaching a level of joy that was a personal best. It was heaven here, minimal and simple. A single twin bed, table, mirror, and hatch window, on the second floor. The journey was long, and now it was finally time to rest. 

Upon awakening the next morning, stillness was found in breathing the experience, uniting with the feeling of a warm glow in my skin. Gentle voices guided my experience in sound, the market below was just beginning to open. The awakening brought awareness to extreme hunger, shifting from the desire to binge eat to that of a deep primal instinct to nurture the body back to health. The hunger was deep, within my gut. The same gut that would inflate upon consumption of anything, followed by chronic visits to the bathroom. Oddly, my stool had become black, resembling coffee grounds. Naturally, I Googled the symptoms. What came up was that I was either experiencing cancer or a Helicobacter Pylori infection of the stomach.

Deductive reasoning led me to believe that this is an infected ulcer, which can lead to cancer. Stomach acid is digested blood that forms the dark granules of waste. Fear was growing heavy and often, at this point. Naturally, I Googled the remedies - both homeopathic and traditional Western. The unification towards healing brought me to double up on antibiotics and weave in probiotics intravenously. I would eat a diet heavy in garlic and black seed, whatever black seed is. Sugar feeds the bacteria: limit sugar. This was a first for me, nurture. I spent my whole life with the conscious intention to die. Now that death was near, an inner magnetism towards life awakened me to the body of Christina.

The morning sun illuminates the orange kayak, next to three free-standing bathroom sinks. Walls are optional here, you are becoming one with the environment. Mesmerized, I brush my teeth from the second floor, overlooking the balcony. There was nothing to hold onto, at the bathroom sink, below the reminisce of a knocked-out wall. 

I sashayed down the wood stairs, and into the dining hall, open, and embellished with royalty. After ordering banana porridge, bliss was present, once again. The texture was balanced in hydration, banana, and flavor. The cup of coffee and milk tasted like an orgasm.

Something happened within me at that moment, and I realized that I was finally free. Enraptured from a caged existence. Finally, I was far enough from the jail in Ohio, that had captured me so many times before. I was free from the expectations of the beauty industry. Most of all, I was free from being the Barbie doll that I was raised to be. No longer with the fate of being put back into a box, after playtime was over. Resentment in form had been showing up in the space provided. Perception is powerful, subtle, and omnipotent. 

As the experience within continues to provide safety, you become a deep pool, as if the storm has settled, to form a still blue, lake. This was the first time in space that I had the courage to come out to a stranger, and verbally identify as gay. Sid held a gentle warmth to his character, and though my mind struggled to remain present, I felt comfortable enough to reveal that it was not a boyfriend that I had been describing, but a girlfriend. As lodge manager, it did not seem to matter much to him, but to me, a golden gate had opened, and I was unstoppable! Then I took a shower and found a clump of hair in my hand.

This was a breakthrough point, shifting the matrix, where I would have once felt gratification for self-control in starving, now found me with compassion and the will to live. I cried a lot that day, journaling to stay. Hydrating and nurturing myself from bed, only to get up and use the restroom, or light Temple of The Gods Incense. Poetry began to release through my fingers, not touching my mind, but connecting to a higher level of consciousness. The realization of the role of sister, and that being the longest relationship of my life. She does not speak to me. Why becomes clearer by the day and in the lyrics that move through me, as if God is holding me, supporting me to release the trauma. Since I would never ask for help, I began to sing for the first time. 

During one of the trips to the toilet, I noticed a long line of empty, 40oz beer bottles. They are underneath the sink, outlining the wall. As your consciousness becomes acute, old things that did not bother you become clear and present. How can people drink alcohol when there are starving babies on the streets, carrying jugs of water that are half of their weight? 

Then it dawned on me, how can I drink alcohol when there are starving children on the street? 

Vibrantly awake, at this point, it came to me that I had been charged with three DUIs. How could I over-consume poison, and proceed to be the driver of a vehicle?

Perception shifted to one point: love for humanity. Wisdom fills you as any residual desire to drink poison evaporates to ether. Drugs interact with chemicals within our brains. Alcohol is the only substance that humans consume that is actually poison. The cost of 40oz of beer would feed a person for 2-3 meals in Nepal.

Without a diversion, you are with yourself and the walls. I began to have vivid dreams, and nightmares as words continued flowing through my fingers from a purity that was found to be God. The body grew sicker, rejecting almost everything I put into it. I was eating biscuits and isolating myself to weakness. Physically and mentally, my spirit grew brighter with each lyric, and each harmonic tune. A year later, self-love became so strong. After finally visiting a medical doctor, we discovered Girardia and two strains of e. Coli resides within the microbiome of the wise gut. Rationality explains confusion within intuition. When ignorance transcended clarity, I invested in a Steripen and vowed to take care of my body with healthy food. Enjoying food in a way that harmonizes pleasure with eating. Where alcohol was once my meal, it is now food and meaningful conversation that nourishes me. I appreciate every bite because I decided to put love into the body and share the experience with others.